Parenting....

7 Things Parents Should Never Say to a Tween

Talking with a tween can be like walking through a minefield. Any moment you could be asking what you thought was a simple, sincere question only to find it triggering an explosive response.

In all fairness, these middle school years are like an emotional roller-coaster brought on by peer pressure, bullying, stress, school, raging hormones, and just trying to fit in. So how do you survive those minefields and still stay connected? The first step is to avoid these seven big tween "turn offs."

1. NEVER SAY: "How was your day?"
DO SAY: "Tell me about your day."
Tweens see generic parenting remarks as "so-o-o predictable" and insincere. Besides you'll get nothing more than "fine" as a response. Instead, ask more open-ended questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Take note about the specifics in your child's life: "Hey, how was that baseball game? Where did you play in the field?" Your tween will appreciate your more sincere interest.

2. NEVER SAY: "Tell him to leave you alone!"
DO SAY: "Where did it happen?"
Bullying is strongest during the middle school years and today's bullies are vicious. Tweens need strategies to deal with bullies. So take your kid seriously and get specifics (who, what, where, when). The data will help you and your child create a safety plan. Don't promise that you won't tell (you may have to step in to advocate for your child), and do remain vigilante.

3. NEVER SAY: "What was she wearing?"
DO SAY: "What do you enjoy about her?"
Materialism is huge with this age group. This is also a time when tweens are forming identities and are most impressionable. Halt the comments about clothing and appearance (as well as popularity)! Instead emphasize those traits that grow from the inside out like talent, loyalty, character, and friendship so your tween knows your values.

4. NEVER SAY: "Toughen up!"
DO SAY: "You seem really upset."
Puberty, hormonal changes, mood swings—tweens will be "very touchy" and extremely sensitive. So don't tell your kid to get tougher—he will take it personally. Instead, respect your tween's ups and downs and acknowledge his feelings. Tweens are trying to make sense out of their mood swings as well. Do refrain from sarcasm or teasing, and watch your non-verbal cues such as smirks or raised eyebrows.

5. NEVER SAY: "Why did you do that?"
DO SAY: "What did you hope would happen?"
Let's face it: tweens are impulsive and do act a little crazy, and for good reason. The part of the brain that regulates decision-making and impulse control is still forming which is one reason they look so blank when you ask, "Why did you do that?" A tween really may not know the reason for their actions. So instead of "why," ask "what." They'll be less likely to say "I don’t know" and it may even help them learn what to do the next time.

6. NEVER SAY: "Relax!"
DO SAY: "Let's find ways to help you de-stress."
Don't take your kids stress for granted. Thirty-five percent of tweens say they are stressed but don't know ways to de-stress. Monitor your kid's stress level and offer specific coping strategies as needed.

7. NEVER SAY: "Get over it!"
DO SAY: "I'm so sorry. You must hurt!"
Peer relationships are critical and play a big part in developing a tween’s self-esteem. Though the anguish of a friendship tiff or "first love" breakup may seem juvenile, don't dismiss your tween’s hurt. Not only is your kid experiencing her own pain, but she's also worried about “peer humiliation.” She is concerned with what “all the other kids are saying". So show a little empathy! Be supportive and fill her social calendar with something to do especially on those long weekends.